inner demons

i just finished the book tuesday's with morrie which i started reading last night.

i know this some kinda old book and most of you i believed already read it. but i just wanted to ask if it strucked you deeply as i am right now? i felt distraught after reading it, i cred after. it's like the wieght of the world is on my shoulders.

i felt like all past trooubles/problems of my life slowly crept out of my mind and the book made me realize what i've been keeping all these years.

i picture my life as a angel, carrying the load of the world and never ceases to smile. my friends say that i should tell someone about this, but i know i can't, i fear rejection. no one will understand or should i say no one can understand the thoughts in my head, the feeling of pain that haunts me up to this day, the burden of knowing that i'm alone with my battles.

stop right there! don't ask me why not tell someone? why keep that inside? and this is my answer... once i tried opening up. i tried giving insights on what i was thinking and feeling but i was just shoved aside. my thoughts and feeling where crushed...

maybe i just spoke with the wrong person or the timing wasn't right but nevertheless because of that certain incident i'm now having a hard time opening up. i hide all dillemas at the back of my head and just put up a cheerful facade so that no one will ever notice.

the only true happiness i get is when i wake up in the morning seeing cheska(my daughter) getting ready to go to school and going back after a days work to the confines of a rented condo seeing her greeting me with a smack! that's life! and wonderful it is.

that is why people associate me as carefree, happy go lucky, prankster or joker sa you will. but none of those really describes me. when i'm alone(which seldom happens) i'm just quiet, thinking and sometimes mumble. i talk alone. i do monologues. am i crazy? am i loosing it? i hope not!